Celebrity sex tapes are a big business. Some are hot, most are awkward and hilarious while an unfortunate few are just gross. Here’s a look at the top 10 celebrity sex tapes and the lessons we can learn from each one.
1. Kim Kardashian
In 2007, Kim’s sex tape with her then-boyfriend, Ray J, catapulted her into mega stardom when it was leaked onto the internet. It also directly earned her about £3million after she struck a deal with the rights holders. In the 39 minutes tape, Kim is a hard worker.
Non-stop action and movement, even when she’s on the bottom and just lying in bed, she writhes seductively, to show off her ample bum. However, she needs to properly learn to fake an orgasm.
Grunting, “BABY, I’M CUMMING! YES! I’M EXPLODING ON YOUR C***! I’M JUST EXPLODING BABY!” is so unbelievable. You can barely breathe when you orgasm for real, it is not the time for a monologue.
2. Paris Hilton
Titled “One Night in Paris”, Paris and her then boyfriend, Rick Salomon, filmed themselves getting frisky in 2004. Previously just a socialite and heiress, the tape kick-started Paris’ career as a reality TV star, singer, model and even fashion designer. In the video, Paris interrupts sex to answer her mobile phone.
Bad… Bad Paris!
Not surprisingly, that scene has been mercilessly parodied.
3. Pamela Anderson
Pam has quite a few sex tapes but the one in 1998 with musician, Tommy Lee (who is hung like a horse), is the one to watch. On the deck of the boat, Pam gives Tommy a blow job which you can certainly learn from. She uses not just her mouth but her hands and tongue too.
Moaning to create a humming vibration and looking up at him with a girly and vulnerable look. Even if your partner is not hung like a stallion, he would still appreciate all the additional stimulation you give it.
So get your elbows greased!
4. Verne Troyer (Mini Me)
Remember Mini Me from Austin Powers? This little guy’s ex-girlfriend, Ranae Shrider, released their sex tape onto the internet in 2008. Watching a woman 4 feet taller having sex with a dwarf is not my kind of sexy… but from the video he is clearly able to pleasure her.
Goes to show that you can make up in technique and stamina what you lack in size. Plus, her yoga experience made it possible to get in the right positions to make it work.
5. Chyna
Wrestler Chyna from WWE is an amazon of a woman and her hour-long sex tape showed her getting pinned by wrestler, Sean Waltman. From this video I noticed that steroids are bad for looking sexy. Years of steroid use have clearly left Chyna with elevated levels of testosterone so her clitoris is freakishly large and unattractive.
Plus she has an ugly steel bar clit piercing that looks like a shoddy DIY job. Too much muscle on a woman makes her movements more jarring and less sensual. Steroids didn’t do the man’s penis any favour either.
6. Colin Farrell
In 2002, Colin was banging Playboy playmate, Nicole Narain. Two things stand out in this video… First, it is shot in a very filthy room (Hello! I would expect Hollywood’s biggest playboy to splash out for a sex recording). Second, there’s a fluffy white cat observing them the whole time.
Pets silently watching you have sex is a mood killer!
7. Hulk Hogan
Strangely enough, Hulk Hogan had sex with the wife of his friend, radio personality, Bubba the Lovesponge, AND had full permission by Bubba himself. You see all this in the video. Based on the way she was thanking him coyly at the end, I reckon she was the one who made her husband get Hulk Hogan to have sex with her. Despite him being a wrestler, I was pleasantly surprised to find that he was a gentleman in bed and not rough at all.
In fact, he was such a gentleman and made sure she came many many times.
8. Dustin Diamond
He used to play the nerd “Screech” in an old TV sitcom. He filmed and leaked a sex tape in a bid to revive his failed showbiz career but that failed too. His tape was such a turn off – the worst celebrity sex tape ever. He’s got 2 women in bed with him and he doesn’t really do much – only watches the two women get on with each other.
All he did was add annoying comments like “Baum chika bow wow”. When he finally puts his penis in, the action was so lacking while his mouth rattled on like he was a sex machine. Plus to end it off, he puts his finger in her anus and then smears poop on her upper lip. So much fail.
9. Farrah Abraham
Farrah was a pregnant teen who starred in Pregnant and 16. She was also featured in the follow-up series, Teen Mom. Her sex partner was professional porn star, James Deen.
Although very obviously a sex tape made for the sole purpose of being leaked, you can still learn a lot from this skank.
She’s uninhibited, takes it up the butt and even when he’s banging her so hard like a jack hammer, she squeels in enthusiasm.
10. Rob Lowe
Rob Lowe ruined his career when his sex tape was leaked. He was filmed having sex with two young women (one was under 16!).
Apart from the embarrassment of having his glaringly white bum moving in a boring monotonous rhythm on top of a moaning female, he is in a big legal battle with the minor’s mother.
Be careful who you pick up in the club and guard your sex tapes well!
