Some Things To Do While Your Girlfriend Gets Ready…

Anyone who has ever enjoyed the good fortune of having a girlfriend but in my case a wife will undoubtedly know the horror of waiting for them to get ready. She might be going out for drinks or just to the cinema with you. “But we’ll be in the dark for 2 hours” you cry, “the focus of the evening will be the film on the giant screen!” Forget about it, pal. Valiant as your efforts are, they’re in vain. If she’s leaving the house, a minimum of one hour’s prep is required. If you’re really unlucky, she won’t have showered. She’ll need to shower, moisturise, blow-dry, make-up, pick her outfit etc, etc. All of this comes with a plethora of unimaginable and incomprehensible frivolities in between. Fucking nightmare.

But this preparation ritual affords you some time, does it not? Time in which you absolutely won’t be disturbed unless something is missing from her makeup paraphernalia. “What can I do to pass this seemingly unending time?” I hear you ask. Here are a few things to keep you occupied…

1. Start and Finish A Game of Monopoly

It came to light that we’ve all been playing Monopoly wrong our whole lives. Games should only last for around 60-90 minutes. So you could probably squeeze in about 60 games before she’s ready. Or one standard Monopoly game.

2. Figure Out What Happened In ‘Lost’

Take one for the team. We all wasted six years watching that pile of crabshit. God has seen fit to clear your schedule, so sit the fuck down and tell me why Hurley was still a fat sack of shit at the end of season 6.

 3. Watch The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy

Start by waiting for both The Hobbit prequels to come out. Watch them. Then watch the three LOTR movies (extended versions of course). When all of that is done, make your way home at a leisurely pace and wait for your girlfriend to come downstairs.

 4. Write a Novel

You always say you never had the time to start your novel. Well, you’ve got all the fucking time in the world now. Start (and finish) the thing and you should have a couple of minutes spare before she’s good to go!

5. Disassemble and Reassemble an Engine

Actually this one’s a bit ridiculous. You’d be finished too early and may need something else to pass the time. Maybe take up a new hobby. Stamp collecting? Nah, you’d finish that too.

6. Graduate From College

Finish and submit your thesis, get your gown, get the fam together, collect your diploma and have a celebratory dinner. You should make it back in time for the mascara/ eyeliner stage. Failing that, you may catch the end of tantrum #3

7. Put An End To Apartheid And Inequality

Fair play to you, man. When life hands you an endless wait, you make the world a better place. Take inspiration from Mandela and the boys. Remember, behind every powerful man is a woman making him wait for her to get ready.

8. Find The True Meaning Of Life

Never mind Nietzsche and those fellas. They hadn’t a clue. They were stifled by the distractions of their time. Thankfully, your girlfriend takes a literal age to get ready. Use your time wisely and let me copy your answer if you get it yeah?

9. Conquer Your Fear of Flying

It’s been holding you back all these years. Get some counselling and therapy and then hop on the first available flight. Doesn’t matter where you go, you’ll be back in time.

10. Plant, Grow and Prune A Bonsai Tree

Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid knew about patience. He tried to catch flies with chopsticks and he had a fetish for watching vulnerable Italian-American adolescents wash inanimate objects. But I digress. Just grow a fucking tree.

Christmas or Pagan Worship. ....... The History

I.     When was Jesus born?

A.     Popular myth puts his birth on December 25^th in the year 1 C.E.

B.     The New Testament gives no date or year for Jesus’ birth.  The earliest gospel – St. Mark’s, written about 65 CE – begins with the baptism of an adult Jesus.  This suggests that the earliest Christians lacked interest in or knowledge of Jesus’ birthdate.

C.     The year of Jesus birth was determined by Dionysius Exiguus, a Scythian monk, “abbot of a Roman monastery.  His calculation went as follows:

a.       In the Roman, pre-Christian era, years were counted from ab urbe condita (“the founding of the City” [Rome]).  Thus 1 AUC signifies the year Rome was founded, 5 AUC signifies the 5^th year of Rome’s reign, etc.

b.     Dionysius received a tradition that the Roman emperor Augustus reigned 43 years, and was followed by the emperor Tiberius.

c.       Luke 3:1,23 indicates that when Jesus turned 30 years old, it was the 15^th year of Tiberius reign.

d.      If Jesus was 30 years old in Tiberius’ reign, then he lived 15 years under Augustus (placing Jesus birth in Augustus’ 28^th year of reign).

e.       Augustus took power in 727 AUC.  Therefore, Dionysius put Jesus birth in 754 AUC.

f.        However, Luke 1:5 places Jesus’ birth in the days of Herod, and Herod died in 750 AUC – four years beforethe year in which Dionysius places Jesus birth.

D.     Joseph A. Fitzmyer – Professor Emeritus of Biblical Studies at the Catholic University of America, member of the Pontifical Biblical Commission, and former president of the Catholic Biblical Association – writing in the Catholic Church’s official commentary on the New Testament[1], writes about the date of Jesus’ birth, “Though the year [of Jesus birth is not reckoned with certainty, the birth did not occur in AD 1.  The Christian era, supposed to have its starting point in the year of Jesus birth, is based on a miscalculation introduced ca. 533 by Dionysius Exiguus.”

E.      The DePascha Computus, an anonymous document believed to have been written in North Africa around 243 CE, placed Jesus birth on March 28.  Clement, a bishop of Alexandria (d. ca. 215 CE), thought Jesus was born on November 18.  Based on historical records, Fitzmyer guesses that Jesus birth occurred on September 11, 3 BCE.

II.     How Did Christmas Come to Be Celebrated on December 25?

A.    Roman pagans first introduced the holiday of Saturnalia, a week long period of lawlessness celebrated between December 17-25.  During this period, Roman courts were closed, and Roman law dictated that no one could be punished for damaging property or injuring people during the weeklong celebration.  The festival began when Roman authorities chose “an enemy of the Roman people” to represent the “Lord of Misrule.”  Each Roman community selected a victim whom they forced to indulge in food and other physical pleasures throughout the week.  At the festival’s conclusion, December 25^th, Roman authorities believed they were destroying the forces of darkness by brutally murdering this innocent man or woman.

 
B.    The ancient Greek writer poet and historian Lucian (in his dialogue entitled Saturnalia) describes the festival’s observance in his time.  In addition to human sacrifice, he mentions these customs: widespread intoxication; going from house to house while singing naked; rape and other sexual license; and consuming human-shaped biscuits (still produced in some English and most German bakeries during the Christmas season).

C.    In the 4^th century CE, Christianity imported the Saturnalia festival hoping to take the pagan masses in with it.  Christian leaders succeeded in converting to Christianity large numbers of pagans by promising them that they could continue to celebrate the Saturnalia as Christians.[2]

D.    The problem was that there was nothing intrinsically Christian about Saturnalia. To remedy this, these Christian leaders named Saturnalia’s concluding day, December 25^th, to be Jesus’ birthday.

E.      Christians had little success, however, refining the practices of Saturnalia.  As Stephen Nissenbaum, professor history at the University of Massachussetts, Amherst, writes, “In return for ensuring massive observance of the anniversary of the Savior’s birth by assigning it to this resonant date, the Church for its part tacitly agreed to allow the holiday to be celebrated more or less the way it had always been.”  The earliest Christmas holidays were celebrated by drinking, sexual indulgence, singing naked in the streets (a precursor of modern caroling), etc.

F.      The Reverend Increase Mather of Boston observed in 1687 that “the early Christians who  first observed the Nativity on December 25 did not do so thinking that Christ was born in that Month, but because the Heathens’ Saturnalia was at that time kept in Rome, and they were willing to have those Pagan Holidays metamorphosed into Christian ones.”[3]  Because of its known pagan origin, Christmas was banned by the Puritans and its observance was illegal in Massachusetts between 1659 and 1681.[4]  However, Christmas was and still is celebrated by most Christians.

G.    Some of the most depraved customs of the Saturnalia carnival were intentionally revived by the Catholic Church in 1466 when Pope Paul II, for the amusement of his Roman citizens, forced Jews to race naked through the streets of the city.  An eyewitness account reports, “Before they were to run, the Jews were richly fed, so as to make the race more difficult for them and at the same time more amusing for spectators.  They ran… amid Rome’s taunting shrieks and peals of laughter, while the Holy Father stood upon a richly ornamented balcony and laughed heartily.”[5]

H.     As part of the Saturnalia carnival throughout the 18^thand 19^th centuries CE, rabbis of the ghetto in Rome were forced to wear clownish outfits and march through the city streets to the jeers of the crowd, pelted by a variety of missiles. When the Jewish community of Rome sent a petition in1836 to Pope Gregory XVI begging him to stop the annual Saturnalia abuse of the Jewish community, he responded, “It is not opportune to make any innovation.”[6]  On December 25, 1881, Christian leaders whipped the Polish masses into Antisemitic frenzies that led to riots across the country.  In Warsaw 12 Jews were brutally murdered, huge numbers maimed, and many Jewish women were raped.  Two million rubles worth of property was destroyed.

III.     The Origins of Christmas Customs

A.     The Origin of Christmas Tree
Just as early Christians recruited Roman pagans by associating Christmas with the Saturnalia, so too worshippers of the Asheira cult and its offshoots were recruited by the Church sanctioning “Christmas Trees”.[7]  Pagans had long worshipped trees in the forest, or brought them into their homes and decorated them, and this observance was adopted and painted with a Christian veneer by the Church.

B.     The Origin of Mistletoe
Norse mythology recounts how the god Balder was killed using a mistletoe arrow by his rival god Hoder while fighting for the female Nanna.  Druid rituals use mistletoe to poison their human sacrificial victim.[8]  The Christian custom of “kissing under the mistletoe” is a later synthesis of the sexual license of Saturnalia with the Druidic sacrificial cult.[9]

C.     The Origin of Christmas Presents
In pre-Christian Rome, the emperors compelled their most despised citizens to bring offerings and gifts during the Saturnalia (in December) and Kalends (in January).  Later, this ritual expanded to include gift-giving among the general populace.  The Catholic Church gave this custom a Christian flavor by re-rooting it in the supposed gift-giving of Saint Nicholas (see below).[10]

D.     The Origin of Santa Claus

a.       Nicholas was born in Parara, Turkey in 270 CE and later became Bishop of Myra.  He died in 345 CE on December 6^th.  He was only named a saint in the 19^thcentury.

b.      Nicholas was among the most senior bishops who convened the Council of Nicaea in 325 CE and created the New Testament.  The text they produced portrayed Jews as “the children of the devil”[11] who sentenced Jesus to death.

c.       In 1087, a group of sailors who idolized Nicholas moved his bones from Turkey to a sanctuary in Bari, Italy.  There Nicholas supplanted a female boon-giving deity called The Grandmother, or Pasqua Epiphania, who used to fill the children's stockings with her gifts.  The Grandmother was ousted from her shrine at Bari, which became the center of the Nicholas cult.  Members of this group gave each other gifts during a pageant they conducted annually on the anniversary of Nicholas’ death, December 6.

d.      The Nicholas cult spread north until it was adopted by German and Celtic pagans.  These groups worshipped a pantheon led by Woden –their chief god and the father of Thor, Balder, and Tiw.  Woden had a long, white beard and rode a horse through the heavens one evening each Autumn.  When Nicholas merged with Woden, he shed his Mediterranean appearance, grew a beard, mounted a flying horse, rescheduled his flight for December, and donned heavy winter clothing.

e.       In a bid for pagan adherents in Northern Europe, the Catholic Church adopted the Nicholas cult and taught that he did (and they should) distribute gifts on December 25^th instead of December 6^th.

f.        In 1809, the novelist Washington Irving (most famous his The Legend of Sleepy Hollow and Rip Van Winkle) wrote a satire of Dutch culture entitledKnickerbocker History.  The satire refers several times to the white bearded, flying-horse riding Saint Nicholas using his Dutch name, Santa Claus.

g.       Dr. Clement Moore, a professor at Union Seminary, read Knickerbocker History, and in 1822 he published a poem based on the character Santa Claus: “Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.  The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in the hope that Saint Nicholas soon would be there…” Moore innovated by portraying a Santa with eight reindeer who descended through chimneys.

h.       The Bavarian illustrator Thomas Nast almost completed the modern picture of Santa Claus.  From 1862 through 1886, based on Moore’s poem, Nast drew more than 2,200 cartoon images of Santa forHarper’s Weekly.  Before Nast, Saint Nicholas had been pictured as everything from a stern looking bishop to a gnome-like figure in a frock.  Nast also gave Santa a home at the North Pole, his workshop filled with elves, and his list of the good and bad children of the world.  All Santa was missing was his red outfit.

i.         In 1931, the Coca Cola Corporation contracted the Swedish commercial artist Haddon Sundblom to create a coke-drinking Santa.  Sundblom modeled his Santa on his friend Lou Prentice, chosen for his cheerful, chubby face.  The corporation insisted that Santa’s fur-trimmed suit be bright, Coca Cola red.  And Santa was born – a blend of Christian crusader, pagan god, and commercial idol.

IV.     The Christmas Challenge

·        Christmas has always been a holiday celebrated carelessly.  For millennia, pagans, Christians, and even Jews have been swept away in the season’s festivities, and very few people ever pause to consider the celebration’s intrinsic meaning, history, or origins.

·       Christmas celebrates the birth of the Christian god who came to rescue mankind from the “curse of the Torah.”  It is a 24-hour declaration that Judaism is no longer valid.

·        Christmas is a lie.  There is no Christian church with a tradition that Jesus was really born on December 25^th.

·        December 25 is a day on which Jews have been shamed, tortured, and murdered.

·        Many of the most popular Christmas customs – including Christmas trees, mistletoe, Christmas presents, and Santa Claus – are modern incarnations of the most depraved pagan rituals ever practiced on earth.

Many who are excitedly preparing for their Christmas celebrations would prefer not knowing about the holiday’s real significance.  If they do know the history, they often object that their celebration has nothing to do with the holiday’s monstrous history and meaning.  “We are just having fun.”

Imagine that between 1933-45, the Nazi regime celebrated Adolf Hitler’s birthday – April 20 – as a holiday.  Imagine that they named the day, “Hitlerday,” and observed the day with feasting, drunkenness, gift-giving, and various pagan practices.  Imagine that on that day, Jews were historically subject to perverse tortures and abuse, and that this continued for centuries.

Now, imagine that your great-great-great-grandchildren were about to celebrate Hitlerday.  April 20^th arrived. They had long forgotten about Auschwitz and Bergen Belsen.  They had never heard of gas chambers or death marches.  They had purchased champagne and caviar, and were about to begin the party, when someone reminded them of the day’s real history and their ancestors’ agony.  Imagine that they initially objected, “We aren’t celebrating the Holocaust; we’re just having a little Hitlerday party.”  If you could travel forward in time and meet them; if you could say a few words to them, what would you advise them to do on Hitlerday?

On December 25, 1941, Julius Streicher, one of the most vicious of Hitler’s assistants, celebrated Christmas by penning the following editorial in his rabidly Antisemitic newspaper, Der Stuermer:

If one really wants to put an end to the continued prospering of this curse from heaven that is the Jewish blood, there is only one way to do it: to eradicate this people, this Satan’s son, root and branch.

It was an appropriate thought for the day.  This Christmas, how will we celebrate?

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SOURCES

[1] Addison G. Wright, Roland E. Murphy, Joseph A. Fitzmyer, “A History of Israel” in The Jerome Biblical Commentary, (Prentice Hall: Englewood Cliffs, NJ, 1990), p. 1247.

[2] The first mention of a Nativity feast appears in the Philocalian calendar, a Roman document from 354 CE, which lists December 25^th as the day of Jesus’ birth.

[3] Increase Mather, A Testimony against Several Prophane and Superstitious Customs, Now Practiced by Some in New England(London, 1687), p. 35.  See also Stephen Nissenbaum, The Battle for Christmas: A Cultural History of America’s Most Cherished Holiday, New York: Vintage Books, 1997, p. 4.

[4] Nissenbaum, p. 3.

[5] David I. Kertzer, The Popes Against the Jews: The Vatican’s Role in the Rise of Modern Anti-Semitism, New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2001, p. 74.

[6] Kertzer, p. 33, 74-5.

[7] Clement Miles, Christmas Customs and Traditions: Their History and Significance, New York: Dover Publications, 1976, pp. 178, 263-271.

[8] Miles, p. 273.

[9] Miles, p. 274-5.

[10] Miles, pp. 276-279.

[11] John 8:44

Impeachment: Anti-Jonathan senators meet today

The 63 senators who had signed up to remove President Goodluck Jonathan will meet on Monday (today) evening to perfect their   strategy for making it a reality.

One of the coordinators of the impeachment plan,who made this known to our correspondent in Abuja on Sunday, said the agenda of the meeting would centre on how to handle the case on the floor of the Senate.

But the senator, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, did not disclose the venue of the meeting for security reasons.

He said, “All of us will meet tomorrow (Monday) evening to discuss when we are going to move the motion on the floor of the Senate. We have an appreciable number already and I believe that more people will join when they see the seriousness with which we are going about it.

“Some of our colleagues were saying that we don’t have the will to move it (impeachment motion) on the floor. We will soon execute our plans because it is in the best interest of all Nigerians”

Already, the senator representing Yobe South Senatorial District in the upper chamber, Alkali Jajere, and his colleague from Niger North, Ibrahim Musa, have explained their involvement in the planned impeachment moves.

The two senators, in separate interviews on Sunday, said they signed up for the impeachment because of their conviction that Jonathan had engaged in a series of constitutional breaches.

Jajere alleged that the poor handling of the insurgency in the North-East    by the Jonathan administration despite huge sums of money being voted for the military, was deliberate.

He said, “Are we going to wait and continue to tolerate a leader who, cannot stop the daily physical and psychological torture of people in the North-East. The insurgency in the zone is threatening the corporate existence of Nigeria and the earlier we act, the better.’’

Also, Musa alleged that Jonathan government’s “insincerity” in tackling the economic crisis facing   the country was enough grounds to initiate an impeachment move against him.

He said, “The President has been breaching the constitution over the years and we have tolerated it enough. This government has not been implementing the budget and that is why we are having problems with our economy.”

One of the arrowheads of the move to remove Jonathan, on Thursday, showed our correspondent the list containing the signatures of 63 senators.

The source said eight Peoples Democratic Party senators were among the signatories to the planned impeachment notice. There are 109 lawmakers in the Senate.

An All Progressives Congress senator from the North-West, who asked not to be named, told our correspondent that the lawmakers’ major grouse against the President was the manner he had been handling the economic and political affairs of the country.

The senator cited poor implementation of the national budget since 2011, alleged high level of corruption and “gross disregard”   for the legislature at both the federal and state levels as some of the reasons they were angry with Jonathan.

Sex With Your Friend's Ex: How Long Should You Wait?

Right, so here’s the scenario: Two of your friends were going out/casually screwing/whatever! The point is, they were involved romantically… or not so romantically, as it turns out. Anyway, they’ve now broken up and one of them is coming on to you. Ew… except, you’re interested. Then comes the obvious question: How long should you wait before you can hook up with them, without becoming become public enemy number one that is???

A Day

Prepare yourself for a whole lot of hatred coming your way! Also, if you’re willing to get with your friend’s ex after only one day, what kind of friendship did you have in the first place? Besides, how much do you really like the guy/girl in question? Are they worth the aggravation and possibility of losing your friend? Serious thoughts for consideration before you take your pants off!

A Week

Very early days my friend!! You’re still in dangerous territory, as it’s extremely unlikely your friend is over the dissolution of their relationship. Watching you hook up with their ex at this point would be… well, let’s just say not fun! Even if the ex is texting you all day, sending you cute snapchats and telling you how perfect you would be together… I repeat: DON’T DO IT!!!

A Month

Ok, depending on the situation, you may be heading into safer territory here. If the couple in question were only casually sleeping together for a few months, it MAY be ok to go out with the ex. However, if they were an official couple for the past five years, it should be back to the waiting game for you!

> Three Months

Right, if you’re really considering hooking up with your mate’s ex, this is probably a reasonable amount of time to wait. I mean, when is it ever a good time? Of course, everything depends on the details of each specific case. How long you have been friends? How serious was their relationship? How much awkwardness are you willing to put up with? Most importantly, how much do you really like your friend’s ex?

If you think there’s a possibility of something great happening between you guys, go for it… just try not to hurt anyone (too much) in the process!!!

So guys what do u think? 

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10 Ways Men Can Last longer During Sex

It’s no fun for her (and embarrassing for you) when sex ends too early. There are 10 key tips in helping men last longer in bed.

10. Distract yourself with unrelated thoughts.

If you find yourself getting too excited too quickly, try distracting yourself with totally unrelated thoughts like work or college, or your grandmother’s legs. Whatever you think of, just make sure it doesn’t turn you on sexually in any way. Temporarily diverting your attention in this way can help you relax and calm down in the bedroom.

9. Switch things up.

Changing positions helps shift your attention. Also, exploring different positions makes sex more interesting and exciting for both partners while ensuring that both parties are satisfied.

8. SLOW Down!

Which would you rather supply – the best 30 seconds of her life or the best 30 minutes? Keep in mind that taking your time will help you last longer, rather than the jackhammer style Duracell bunny style.

7. Don’t go deep all the time.

If you feel that all that deep thrusting is going to make you blow the beans, try traveling less of the distance. Then when you’ve settled a little, try alternating between the two.

6. Relax yourself.

Several men find that taking deep breaths and slowing down helps them to calm down and last longer during sex.

5. “Practice” with yourself.

Yes lads, what you’ve all been waiting for – an excuse to hide your masturbation. It is perfectly healthy and natural, and doing it regularly (but not TOO regularly) can help increase your stamina and even release stress and anxiety. The more familiar you become with your body, the quicker you’ll recognise when you’re becoming too excited during sex. That way, you can slow down or change positions before it’s too late!

4. Engage regularly with a sex partner if possible.

Men tend to get worked up about their first time with a new woman that they really like (whether they care to admit it or not) and put a lot of pressure on themselves to perform. The more time you spend with one person, the more you’ll understand how their body works and the more comfortable you’ll be with them in bed.

3. Wear a condom.

Tonnes of men complain about how condoms decrease sensitivity and sex doesn’t feel as good wearing one, but if you’re trying to last longer in bed than a condom may just be what you need. And also, there is that added bonus of not picking up an unwanted STD or creating a baby!

2. Let her be in control.

It is well known that the person in control is usually the one experiencing most of the pleasure, because nobody knows what you like more than YOU! Letting the woman take control helps decrease some of the sensitivity that men feel.

1. Don’t skip foreplay.

Recent studies have shown that couples who engage in foreplay have sex for longer than couples who don’t. Less of the “brace yourself, I’m going in dry” business! Men need to understand that foreplay is also for their benefit too, and although it may not be the MOST exciting element in the bedroom, it will certainly stand to your sexual experiences in the long run.

New App Lets You Hack Your Partners Phone…

What if you, or your partner was so untrustworthy and so down right cray cray that they wanted to constantly know where you were, or say for instance wanted to read your texts or Facebook mails, or access your phonebook? Sounds a bit weird, creepy and wayyy over the top right?

Well app-arently there is a new app out that lets you do all that… It’s basically a stalking app, if I’m not mistaken.

For jealous partners it could be the ultimate app -allowing you to see everything your partner does on their phone. The mCouple app shows text messages, contacts, call history, and Facebook messages in real time. It can even show you the GPS co-ordinates of the phone, allowing you to see exactly where your partner is at all times.

One users claims the app worked on his girlfriend’s phone.

‘It really works. Thanks to this app, I am single right now because I caught my ex girlfriend cheating, ‘ he wrote on the Apps Google Play page.

Users can then track this information from anywhere by signing into an online account and viewing it all on a dashboard.

The dashboard produces charts that show which apps have been used and how often, while the person’s location is plotted on to a map.

Don’t Be Too Desperate, Too Over-Confident, Or Too Shy; The Definitive Guide To Asking Someone Out…

Nowadays there are so many different ways to ask someone out on a date, but we all know from all of the articles about creeps and assholes on Tinder that sometimes people just don’t know how to ask people out on a date. Plus Tinder isn’t the only way to meet and date people. There might be a cute girl or guy in your class and you’re thinking of asking them out but you’re not sure how to go about it. There are three basic rules when it comes to asking someone out: don’t be too desperate, too over-confident, or too shy. Keep things casual. You don’t want to piss them off or freak them out.

1. Don’t be too Desperate.

Do :

If you’re in the same class maybe suggest you work on a project together. Casually suggest you get together sometime after class. Say ‘I’ll call you sometime,’ and if you don’t have their number they will probably provide it. Nothing major, no big deal. Don’t be too keen and start texting them as soon as they walk away. Maintain a little mystery as to how you feel. Say ‘I’ll send you a WhatsApp/Viber/other messenger app.’ Super casual but non-committal leaving them the option to be wooed rather than doing the wooing. The ball is in your court and you’re being super chill about it. There is nothing to freak out about, nothing to try too hard for. You’re showing that you’re interested but not totally invested in this relationship as your one and only chance for true happiness.

Don’t:

‘What’s your number? What’s your number? I can’t call you if I don’t have your number. And if you’re interested in going out I really need it.’ Demanding their number is going to make you sound like a desperate loser who hasn’t gotten any in a long time. Which may be true but you don’t want them to know that. Take a breather and focus on something other than your imagined future life together. Don’t freak out when you see that they have seen your message (thank you blue tick) and message them again. ‘Hey, I just sent you a message and I noticed you haven’t replied, just wondering if your internet was down maybe because you have my number so you could have called. Maybe your phone is out of power. I’ll hit you up on Facebook maybe.’ Then proceed to write about town more messages in the space of thirty minutes. When they do get around to messaging you back, imagine how freaked out they’ll be to see that you’re obsessed with them. No one likes having a stalker, unless of course you’re Bella Swan.

Do:

Say ‘I’ll Facebook you.’ Again nothing major and doesn’t immediately suggest that you’ve fallen madly in love with them. Everyone goes on Facebook nowadays, you’re probably friends with everyone in your class already. Having a project or something in common like that will give you something to talk about and while you are messaging you can creep on his/her likes and you might find you have something else in common that you can slip into the conversation. Just don’t mention that’s why you brought it up. Be slightly cooler than that.

Don’t:

Stalk them incessantly on Facebook and message them constantly. Don’t freak out if they haven’t replied to your message that you’ve just sent, even though you know they’re online because you saw they liked something. The next best course of action is not to like every single one of their posts or comment on all their pictures about how pretty they look. Definitely don’t poke them to try to get them to notice you because you’ll probably just get more frustrated when you can’t poke them a second time. So you send another five messages. If they are wise they will probably block you because you’re acting like a desperate lunatic. Calm the f*ck down.

2. Don’t be over-confident.

Do:

Invite them to drinks with your friends. Not too romantic or intimate and they could always bring their friends too. It is a totally low risk option because even if they are busy or not interested you can still have a great night out with your friends. Plus you’re showing that you do actually have a life outside class and are interesting enough to have friends. You’re clearly showing them that you are interested because you’re inviting them into your friend group, your inner circle, and you’re not afraid to do it.

Don’t:

‘Compliment’ them on how f*cking hot they are in really crude Tinder speak: ‘You got sweet tits, I want to rub my face in them.’ Or something more subtle like: ‘I love every muscle in your body, including mine.’ Stop being gross. It would be totally justified if he/she left right then and there, no matter how much alcohol is involved. The only time these sorts of things are fun/cool/funny to say, is when you are saying them ironically. Do not lead with them. You’ll look like an arrogant toad.

Do:

Tell them you’ve heard great things about a popular movie that’s playing and ask if they might want to go see it with you this weekend or some time. Not too much of a risky option because you don’t have to make conversation in the cinema, and afterwards you can talk about the film. There’s a reason why first dates are often going to the movie. Not just the potential sneaky shift down the back. However, this is a more intimate ‘date’ and having the balls to actually ask them out on a date without being a douche or unbelievably shy is a very attractive feature.

Don’t:

Use some sleezy dirty pick up line that isn’t even that clever and makes them want to punch you in the face: ‘You’re Daddy must have been a baker, ‘coz those are some nice buns hun,’What’s the difference between a Ferrari and an erection? I don’t have a Ferrari,’ ‘F*ck me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your name Laura.’ You’re a douchebag. Go get drunk and party with your homeboys, because no one else is going to want to hang out with you. Unless you’re hot and in that case, you are very lucky but that train ride can only last so long.

3. Don’t be too shy.

Do:

After class maybe ask them if they’d like to go get a coffee and discuss whatever class was about. You could stick to solely class topic if you’re too shy to suggest any other topic. Maybe talk about whether or not you’re a tea person or a coffee person or an equal opportunities beverage consumer. If you can talk to your friends you can talk to the person you have a crush on. No big deal. Feeling brave enough to ask about dinner? After long day of lectures or after a college gig or exhibition ask them all casually if they’re hungry and if they’d like to go out and get something to eat with you. Doesn’t everyone get hungry every once in a while? Not too risky and potentially a great date.

Don’t:

Stumble and mumble and blurt out something like: ‘Yeah…ok….coffee…?’ whimpering and sweating and  then eventually after two minutes of awkward wheezing you walk away. You will just end up leaving them confused and wondering whether you were even talking to them or if you had a Bluetooth set on. And instead of asking them out for dinner, you rush off at the end of a night or after class with a: ‘I’m hungry, I’m going to go get something. OK, bye.’ You just totally dropped them and probably left the would-be suitor feeling confused and dazed and wondering if they just dodged a bullet. To be fair, they kind of have.

Do:

If you see them out in the bar or maybe even are messaging them online, ask them to let you buy them a drink sometime. Cute and flirty and they’re getting a free drink out of it so it’s a win-win situation. There’s nothing to be afraid of, plus alcohol will be involved so you will, hopefully, not be as desperately shy as you are in real life.

Don’t:

When you see them in a bar and they smile and wave, do not run off and throw up in the bathroom. They’re a human being too, you are totally able to talk to them. Have a shot and pull yourself together. Again alcohol will numb out any and all inhibitions, stop freaking out. The only thing that can happen is they reject you. Which would not be the end of the world. Contrary to popular belief there isn’t only one person out there for you, you’ve got options. Go explore them.