Ultimate Mood Killers: 11 Things That Guys Wish Girls Would Stop Doing During Sex

Guys get a lot of stick about their sex skills (or lack thereof) but girls can be scrutinized just as much for their sexual inexperience. Yes, the onus is on the man to seize control and make things happen, but that doesn’t omit you from all responsibility or action under the sheets. Here’s 11 things girls need to stop doing during sex.

1. Nicknaming our penises something feminine or emasculating.

Don’t call our little guys “cute” or “funny.” We understand they’re weird looking objects but it’s not your own personal pet, and certainly don’t give it a nickname like “Princess Sofia” or something (Really, it happens!).

2. Letting us do all of the work, all of the time.

We understand that we have a responsibility most of the time to take control of the ship and steer it in the right direction, but sex can be a sweaty exercise and a big calorie burner. It’s always nice when she flips you over or jumps on top of you for a change. Don’t be lazy.

3. Being boring or unadventurous.

Sex has the ability to become mundane, repetitive and routine if done the same way for a consistent period of time and you fail to mix things up. Sex is constantly changing and reinventing itself, and should be an activity that you both enjoy experimenting with. I’m not saying that you have to go all Christian Grey on his ass, but it’d be nice if you left your comfort zone and took the initiative every once in a while.

4. Playing with our little man until we get hard, and then putting him away.

This is one of the most frustrating things that a girl can do. So you’re just cuddling or watching TV together, and she starts rubbing up the suspect or teasing you on the outside of your pants. You get very hard, very fast. You think sex (or at least a blowjob) is on the table, but then she peeks down your trousers and slingshots your waistband back closed. Now you’ve got a stiffy and nothing to do with it. Some girls just want to watch the world burn…

5. Examining our penises in your hands like it’s an alien from Mars.

I’m convinced that some girls are genuinely confused when they pull the rabbit out of the hat. They sometimes study it, as if waiting for it to provide the answers to all life’s big questions. It’s simple, here’s all you need to know: it goes up when we’re happy, and down when we’re not, it’s always up in the mornings and it cries when it’s SUPER happy! Bish bash bosh.

6. Giving half-ass, weak blowjobs.

My dad always said to me: “if a job’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.” It’s stuck with me, and I’ve carried it into all walks of life. I think a lot of girls could take a leaf out of my dad’s book and listen to those wise words. Don’t play around with a penis, with one eye on your phone, and just licking the tip every few seconds. That’s not hot, and there’s no chance I’ll be finishing soon with that weak attempt. If I could bend over that far, I guarantee I could do a better job myself.

7. Peeling back our foreskins too far (queue every guy reading this to wince!)

This will make every guy wince and clutch at his little man. This is for the benefit of all the uncircumcised guys out there: please don’t reef back our foreskins, you have no idea how awful that feels.

8. Laying there like a dead fish.

A girl can be as hot as Eva Longoria but there’s nothing more offputting or mood-killing than her just lying there and taking it like a dead fish. It’s not fun for us, and even if you are enjoying it, it certainly doesn’t look like it! Flail an arm or a leg or something for Christ’s sake. Even just thrash around in the bed like a demonic woman; I’d actually prefer that!

9. Asking “do I look fat?”

There is NO right answer to this question. It is hard for us to provide an adequate response to this question at the best of times, so please don’t ask us mid-sex, as all the blood has drained from our brain and migrated south for a while.

10. Queefing and then lying there, motionless and in dead silence.

It just makes the situation 100 times more awkward! Say something or do anything, just PLEASE don’t tighten up, suck in and pray that we didn’t hear/feel it. Because we did. We always do! I find that the best option is to slightly laugh it off and carry on. It takes a lot for a guy to stop having sex, and trust me, queefing definitely wouldn’t stop us – as long as it doesn’t smell…

11. Bouncing so much that you pull out, slam back down and almost break our penises in half.

I’ve heard stories of this actually happening. Honestly, there’s nothing I fear more in my life than this happening to me one day!

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