1) Establish if they’re into it or not…
You need to know if you’ve got a Grade-A, top-choice filth monger on your hands before you go dropping D-talk on their asses. There are a lot of prudes out there who will want none of your devil-talk sullying their innocent ears.
2) Know the right time to start
Try to set the tone as early as possible in the relationship. If it’s a one-night stand, you have nothing to lose by going full-throttle erotic narrator, but it’s different if you’re in a relationship. Ideally you’ll get into the swing of it from the first time you have sex, but it may be jarring if you’re been going out awhile and you suddenly start talking like a porn star. Just gently ease into it, a little bit here and there until you’re both on the same wavelength. Once you get going you’ll wonder how you ever went without it.
3) Volume control
Everybody loves a bit of loud fuckin’, but please do not scream your dirty talk. The last thing you want is your neighbours repeating back some of your filthiest lines (e.g. “Fuck me like you’ve paid for me”) the next time you’re taking out the bins. Or worse, your flatmates posting it on Facebook.
4) Don’t overdo it
In our piece on the unspoken rules of sex, we’ve already discussed that you do not want to be unintentionally hilarious in the bedroom. Less is more folks, if you find yourself talking a lot during the bumping of uglies, you’re probably doing it disasterously wrong.
5) Know where the line is
If there’s one thing worse than being hilarious during dirty talk, it’s being a freak. And not the good kind of freak. If you go full-on pervert your sexytime companion may not want to come back for seconds. Know the line and do not cross it.
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