WHAT OBAMA said to me .... Jokes

Only a courageous woman can fry a bunch of plantain without tasting any - herbert Macauley (1872)

He who says nothing lasts forever has never tried Hausa perfume - Nelson Mandela (1973)

He who completely unwraps moimoi and gala before eating cannot keep a secret - Abraham Lincoln (1864)

Any man that uses his teeth to cut shaki from pepper soup, with his eyes wide open, is not afraid of anything - Williams Shakespeare (1900)

Anyone who graduates without experiencing a strike, has never been to Nigeria - Lord Lugard (1904)

He who refuses to classify agege bread and akara as a type of sandwich is a racist - Martin Luther King jnr (1788)

Any man who drinks Alomo bitters without squeezing his face, is capable of murder - Michael Faraday (1899)

Drinking Garri doesn't mean u're poor, but allowing the Garri to swell b4 drinking is poverty - Queen Elizabeth (1893)

He who runs around looking 4 scissors to cut indomine seasoning sachet is not hungry - Dr Nnamdi Azikiwe (1947)

No matter how hot your temper is, it cannot cook yam - Goodluck Jonathan (2013)

Anyone who reads this without laughing is either looking 4 job or needs money Badly - Barack Obama (2014).

PHOTOS: Virginity.....Different hymen shapes

Hymens vary in shape, size, thickness and elasticity. The common and normal types of hymen allow menstrual blood and vaginal fluids to flow out, and for insertion of a small object like a tampon. In rare cases, the hymen might have a tiny or no opening, or girls can be born without any hymen which is kinda rare tho.

A) Common hymen shapes

The common shapes are the annular and crescentic hymen.

Annular hymen: perfect circular shape

Crescentic hymen: half-moon shape above or below the vaginal opening

B) Rare hymen shapes

These are some rare hymen shapes. If you want to see more, click on the links to the sources below.

Imperforate hymen: No opening

One in two thousand girls are born with an imperforate hymen (with no hole in it). Surgery will be done to create a hole in the hymen. (this doesn't require a picture)

Microperforate hymen: Very small opening

Septate hymen: Rare form of a hymen with tissue that acts as a bridge across the vaginal opening

Labial hymen: rare hymen that looks like a third set of vulvar lips.

Cribriform hymen: Many small holes. Bodily fluids can exit the body but sexual activity or insertion of a tampon may be a problem.

So which one did you fall into those days when you thought you where a good girl?

Boys which one was she? (For those that had the chance to actually see one and not a fake virgin) Read how to fake virginity here

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How to fake virginity!!!

I don't think I'll ever want or need to but here are some ways to fake virginity (for women, duh! why would men need to fake it??):

1. Go for hymenoplasty, i.e. get sewn back up by a doctor.

2. Clench your PC muscles tightly and act like it's painful.

3. Have sex the first time during the light flow days of menstruation.

4. Sneak in some fake blood (you can buy it from Halloween shops) and spill it on the sheets when he's not looking.

5. Use an artificial hymen. This is a small bag that a woman places inside her vagina before having sex. It creates a feeling of "tightness" for the man and releases a small amount of fake blood.

6. I don't recommend this but it's possible to do. Inject fake blood into the vagina just before sex. Ensure that the fake blood is vagina-friendly and won't cause infections. Use a syringe, not a needle. After injecting it, hold the liquid in by clenching your PC muscles. Try not to stand upright too long because it might drip out. Quickly lie down in bed and "release" the liquid at the right time.

How would you feel and what would you do if you catch your partner faking virginity?


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Ronaldo crowned La Liga’s best

Cristiano Ronaldo claimed a hat-trick of honours after being named La Liga’s 2013-14 Player of the Year at the LFP awards on Monday, BBC reports.

Ronaldo received the top gong in recognition of his stellar campaign last season that saw him score 31 goals in just 30 matches for Real Madrid.

The Portugal captain also took out the Best Forward award and Best Goal for his incredible backheel against Valencia in May.

“I have to thank my team-mates, Real Madrid, my family… it is a very good moment in my career,” Ronaldo said.

“For me, the important thing is to win collective prizes, but I like the individual ones, too. I work every day, in training, to continue adding more to this.”

The 2013-14 Coach of the Year went to Argentine Diego Simeone after defying the odds to guide Atletico Madrid to the La Liga title last term.

Atletico remarkably topped the standings ahead of fancied duo Barcelona and Real for their first league crown since 1995-96.

“I want to share this with my players, without whom none of this would be possible,” Simeone said afterwards.

“Thanks to Koke, Gabi, Miranda, (Thibaut) Courtois… and everyone who made it possible to win the title.”

Costa Rica international Keylor Navas was named the Best Goalkeeper for his consistent season with Levante before making the switch to Real.

Ultimate Mood Killers: 11 Things That Guys Wish Girls Would Stop Doing During Sex

Guys get a lot of stick about their sex skills (or lack thereof) but girls can be scrutinized just as much for their sexual inexperience. Yes, the onus is on the man to seize control and make things happen, but that doesn’t omit you from all responsibility or action under the sheets. Here’s 11 things girls need to stop doing during sex.

1. Nicknaming our penises something feminine or emasculating.

Don’t call our little guys “cute” or “funny.” We understand they’re weird looking objects but it’s not your own personal pet, and certainly don’t give it a nickname like “Princess Sofia” or something (Really, it happens!).

2. Letting us do all of the work, all of the time.

We understand that we have a responsibility most of the time to take control of the ship and steer it in the right direction, but sex can be a sweaty exercise and a big calorie burner. It’s always nice when she flips you over or jumps on top of you for a change. Don’t be lazy.

3. Being boring or unadventurous.

Sex has the ability to become mundane, repetitive and routine if done the same way for a consistent period of time and you fail to mix things up. Sex is constantly changing and reinventing itself, and should be an activity that you both enjoy experimenting with. I’m not saying that you have to go all Christian Grey on his ass, but it’d be nice if you left your comfort zone and took the initiative every once in a while.

4. Playing with our little man until we get hard, and then putting him away.

This is one of the most frustrating things that a girl can do. So you’re just cuddling or watching TV together, and she starts rubbing up the suspect or teasing you on the outside of your pants. You get very hard, very fast. You think sex (or at least a blowjob) is on the table, but then she peeks down your trousers and slingshots your waistband back closed. Now you’ve got a stiffy and nothing to do with it. Some girls just want to watch the world burn…

5. Examining our penises in your hands like it’s an alien from Mars.

I’m convinced that some girls are genuinely confused when they pull the rabbit out of the hat. They sometimes study it, as if waiting for it to provide the answers to all life’s big questions. It’s simple, here’s all you need to know: it goes up when we’re happy, and down when we’re not, it’s always up in the mornings and it cries when it’s SUPER happy! Bish bash bosh.

6. Giving half-ass, weak blowjobs.

My dad always said to me: “if a job’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.” It’s stuck with me, and I’ve carried it into all walks of life. I think a lot of girls could take a leaf out of my dad’s book and listen to those wise words. Don’t play around with a penis, with one eye on your phone, and just licking the tip every few seconds. That’s not hot, and there’s no chance I’ll be finishing soon with that weak attempt. If I could bend over that far, I guarantee I could do a better job myself.

7. Peeling back our foreskins too far (queue every guy reading this to wince!)

This will make every guy wince and clutch at his little man. This is for the benefit of all the uncircumcised guys out there: please don’t reef back our foreskins, you have no idea how awful that feels.

8. Laying there like a dead fish.

A girl can be as hot as Eva Longoria but there’s nothing more offputting or mood-killing than her just lying there and taking it like a dead fish. It’s not fun for us, and even if you are enjoying it, it certainly doesn’t look like it! Flail an arm or a leg or something for Christ’s sake. Even just thrash around in the bed like a demonic woman; I’d actually prefer that!

9. Asking “do I look fat?”

There is NO right answer to this question. It is hard for us to provide an adequate response to this question at the best of times, so please don’t ask us mid-sex, as all the blood has drained from our brain and migrated south for a while.

10. Queefing and then lying there, motionless and in dead silence.

It just makes the situation 100 times more awkward! Say something or do anything, just PLEASE don’t tighten up, suck in and pray that we didn’t hear/feel it. Because we did. We always do! I find that the best option is to slightly laugh it off and carry on. It takes a lot for a guy to stop having sex, and trust me, queefing definitely wouldn’t stop us – as long as it doesn’t smell…

11. Bouncing so much that you pull out, slam back down and almost break our penises in half.

I’ve heard stories of this actually happening. Honestly, there’s nothing I fear more in my life than this happening to me one day!

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Redknapp disagrees with Mourinho on Mikel

Mikel Obi

Former Liverpool midfielder Jamie Redknapp has questioned Jose Mourinho’s decision to bring on John Obi Mikel against Manchester United on Sunday, insisting that the Chelsea boss should have learned his lesson from the game against Manchester City.

The Blues travelled to Old Trafford on Sunday looking to continue their unbeaten run this season and it seemed like that would be made even sweeter, as Didier Drogba gave them a second-half lead.

Mourinho decided to shut up shop with roughly 20 minutes left and sent on midfield enforcer Mikel to nullify United’s attacking threat. However, that move backfired and a stoppage-time goal from Robin van Persie stole a point for the hosts.

Mourinho did the exact thing at the Etihad last month when a late goal from Frank Lampard earned a point for City, which Redknapp believes Mourinho should have learned from.

The former Spurs man told Daily Mail, “That’s twice now – against City and United – Chelsea have been 1-0 up, brought on Jon Obi Mikel and conceded late on. It’s not him as a player, it’s the message of the manager.

“Jose is a safety first boss but when you make that switch, it tells the team to sit back and defend. Unfortunately for him, it’s not working.”

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Pornography finds home at motor parks

Pornographic materials on display

There is no dull moment at Obalende Motor Park. Almost every time of the day, there is a beehive of activities at the park.

Voices from rickety loud speakers mounted on commercial buses alternate between lewd music and frenetic calls for passengers. But the first gains go to roving petty traders who hawk chilled soft drinks and other edibles they sell to commuters.

Near the bus terminus are more established ‘ad hoc’ activities. This sub-sector is replete with cobblers, ‘vulcanisers’, food and compact disc vendors and others who contribute, in no small measure, to the economy of the park. They make less fuss about their wares yet they command the attention of passengers and commuters.

Last Friday was no exception. By noon, two young men dealing in compact disc sales had set up wares and were already attending to customers. With the rippling muscles and six packs of boxers on the jackets of some of the discs, the setting seemed normal at first. But a closer look revealed differently. Nude women and men posing in different erotic postures were on the jackets of many of the compact discs. It was obvious that the majority of his products displayed so openly are pornographic.

Our correspondent who had watched the men from inside a commercial vehicle alighted to get a copy. Sitting by the side of the stall was an old man printing tickets to people who seemed oblivious to the ‘wares’ displayed beside them. While some passengers streaming into the terminus stared openly, others abruptly averted their gaze, refusing to make further eye contact with the materials.

Pointing to one of the CD, the journalist haggled with him over the cost and   probed him on the appropriateness of his business. The products cost a token N150 each.

“Make u dey hide dis thing nah. If task force catch u, na wahala be that’, she started.

“Which task force? Na before bi dat o. Once you settle, you are okay,’ he said.

“Dem dey collect money? Dis country don spoil’’

“Before nko? Dem no get their price?

Later, our correspondent made a detour out of the terminus to the other side, where she met one of the unit officials of the National Union of Road Transport Union. Behind her, business activities continued, not missing a beat. Efforts to speak with the chairman of the unit were not successful as it was learnt that he and other key officials had gone to Onikan Stadium for the declaration of a governorship aspirant, Mr. Akinwumi Ambode.

However, findings by our correspondent showed that sales of pornographic materials are a norm in many motor parks in the state. From the popular Okokomaiko park, Agege motor park to those in Iyana-ipaja and some others, sales and display of pornographic materials unfold with varying degrees. While some hide the materials, others care less, flaunting erotic pictures on posters.

While the state’s new traffic law does not overtly address issues of pornographic and decency in motor parks, a human rights lawyer, Mr. Fred Agbaje, told our correspondent that Governor Babtunde Fashola in 2010 signed an executive order proscribing the sales, broadcast and display of pornographic materials in open places, including motor parks. In addition, he pointed to sections 149 and 150 of the Administration of Criminal Justice Law of Lagos State which prohibits the publication of obscene matters and performance of obscene plays.

“The government has provided the law to regulate such morally offensive activities in our parks and bus stops, it is now left for the police to ensure that violators are arrested and prosecuted before the appropriate courts.

“But if the police choose to look the other way, you can’t blame Fashola. You can’t blame the chief judge. But the environmental taskforce who are busy arresting people who indiscriminately cross the road at Ojota should also keep the society free of this morally-provocative business. If we don’t care about our own moral as adults, shouldn’t we care about the moral upbringing of our children? This is why the government must not stop at merely criminalising such things at parks, it should go further and see to it that the laws are implemented and offenders punished,’’ he said.

According to the Faculty Director, Soar and Heritage, Mr. Sola Adeyiga, location still plays a role in the viability of any business venture. He said this business tenet was understood by many players no matter the legal status of their trade.

Adeyiga added that the primary business of bus terminuses make them attractive to petty traders who may not be able to pay exorbitant fees for lock-up shops in the metropolis. He however, noted that this was not an excuse for government agencies to allow illegality.

Efforts by our correspondent to reach the Commissioner for Transportation, Mr. Kayode Opeifa, on Monday were not successful as he neither picked his calls nor responded to a text message sent to him.

However, in a telephone interview on Monday, the Secretary of the National Union of Road Transport Workers, Lagos State chapter, Dr. Matthew Oloko, said he was not aware of such activity at motor parks.

“I don’t know anything about sales of pornographic materials at the parks. This is the first time I will hear such a thing and it has not been reported by any of our unit chairmen,” he said.

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