I asked one of friends for cinema tips and she told me I would be needing at least N5000 if I wanted to have a good time.
This happened way back in 2011 and 5K was definitely going to drain my monthly feeding allowance.
I thought of letting the idea slide until those hard-working Alaba boys compress recent premiered movies into their 100 naira DVD.
"Give me a breakdown of this 5K?" I asked my friend enthusiastically.
"I know say you na bike madam but please keep 2.K for cab. 1.5K for your movie ticket. 1K for popcorn and coke."
That was when I vexed.
"So if I don't eat popcorn and drink coke, the movie would not be sweet eh? I thought popcorn is 50-100 Naira?"
She opined that popcorn was necessary if I didn't want to feel left out as I intended going alone.
"Whether you like it or not, you are supposed to chew a few grains every five minutes interval during the movie because everybody would be doing that."
I drew up a new budget but I still couldn't squeeze out that 5k to give myself a treat at the end of the month.
When my BBM contact posted a pm of movie tickets in Silverbird Uyo selling for as low as N100, I went crazy.
The rumours were unbelievable but true.
God bless Governor Akpabio.
This was coming at a time my Uyo based aunt invited me over for holidays. Talk about killing two birds with one stone.
But trust humans and their greedy nature.
When I got to Uyo, I procrastinated in hanging out to the cinema until that N100 began to feel like one huge sum of money.
"Na wa o. Why can't Governor Akpabio slash the money from N100 to N50?" I asked my cousin.
"Haba Naijasinglegirl, don't you have conscience?" A look of disappointment had registered on her face .
"Okay. How much is popcorn? I'm sure its N30 if a movie ticket is N100."
"Its still N500 please."
"Na wa o. So this 419 popcorn is everywhere abi? Coke nko?" I asked.
"N250."
"Rubbish!"
When my holiday was 3 days due, I didn't need anyone to remind me why I visited to Uyo.
* * *
Half way to the cinema, the N700 cab I took developed a fault and the driver had to brake somewhere to fix it. Fortunately, he parked his vehicle beside a corn/pear vendor.
I alighted and bought two roasted corns and pears.
I had was chewing my corn quietly when I sighted a small supermarket across the road. I wrapped the remaining pear/corn for my nephew and crossed over.
When I got there, I found macro sized wraps of popcorn by the counter.
Suddenly, an idea struck me. I was going to take the N100 promo to a whole new level. If this cinema people thought they could eat my money and run, they were in for a shocker!
"How much is your popcorn?"
"N100 for one nylon."
I strolled over to the refrigerator.
"Do you have coke?"
"Just the canned coke."
"Give me Lacasera then."
The seller didn't have N100 change so I told her to add two sachets of caprisonne.
My plans were to find a neat,used paper bag with silverbird logo at the cinema and empty my cheap popcorn inside so everyone will think I bought it there.
When I arrived the cinema, the entire premises was cramped. The awoof bug had caught Uyo. I heard people came in from neighbouring states to enjoy the cheapest movie rates in the world. Some were even sitting on the carpet.
Some had shattered my hopes by stamping their dirty foot on the used popcorn paper packs so my plans were no longer feasible.
I got my N100 ticket for one Adam Sandler's comedy.
As I made to step into the hall, one of the attendants stopped me.
"May I see what's inside your bag."
"Why do you have to search me?" I began to para.
I looked around and noticed others entering other halls were not spared.
He explained that's the new company policy so no one goes in with any item that is not sold at silverbird. According to him, the price slash had led to an abuse of the arena as someone was caught eating from a foodflask of goat meat some days back and now there was a big rat they've been trying to kill in the cinema without success.
That was when my silly roasted corn decided to smell!
The attendant forcefully unzipped my half open bag and brought out my nonsense items one by one starting with the pear.
I just wanted the ground to swallow me. How was I going to start explaining izzz nottt myyy roasted cornnn eh? Abi the Lacsera that is meant only for traffic? Abi the mama ronke popcorn in my bag or is it the cheap caprisonne?
The guy was shocked. He put all my items into a basket and told me he would hand them back when I was done with the movie. If only he knew I dashed him all of it in my mind.
I couldn't concentrate on my movie. Adam Sandler was suddenly unfunny and annoying. All I thought of was how I was going to subtly dodge the attendant on my way out.
As soon as the movie ended, I blended in with crowd going out but the busybody attendant was still able to pick me out.
"Brother, you've forgotten your corn and pear oh" He said, while he handed me the Lacasera and other items in the full glare of all those hot boys and hot girls.
I collected it shamefully and avoided everyone eyes. My only consolation was no familiar face was present to witness that sort of embarrassment.
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