If you asked any male member of Generation-Y to name a few of his hobbies, he’s 99.9 percent certain to reply with, “Sex, eating, sports and sleeping,” and not necessarily in that order. The kicker? His hobbies are actually “sex, eating, sports and sleeping.”
He doesn’t mean, “sex, eating, sports, sleeping, holding out for a girlfriend and dabbling in the art of passive-aggressive comments.”
Men are relatively simple beings and I mean that in the best way possible. After a while, they realize that all a relationship really entails is finding a pretty girl who gets on their nerves and wife-ing her up.
They’re straightforward and to the point, whether it’s intentional or out of momentary stupidity… with the exception of a few sayings.
Here’s some boyfriend-speak translation:
1. “You look great.”
You might look great. You also might look terrible. You might look just fine. Guys know better than to tell you the truth about whether that dress actually makes you look fat, given that they may hurt your feelings in the process of doing so.
Also, a guy would rather chew off his own foot than wait another 45 minutes for you to touch up/change/bemoan the Mount Everest-sized zit on your forehead.
2. “Is that what you’re wearing?”
He’s not saying that you look bad per se, but maybe consider wearing that pathetic excuse for a dress when you’re single (read: something you will be, if you actually wear that minuscule skirt out with him).
I know, I know, you’ve been DYING to wear it. Like, you’ve actually been starving yourself and neglecting your second boyfriend, Pizza, to fit into the dress. But, all is not lost! Save it and wear it on Halloween, when it’s totally permissible for all girls, regardless of their relationship status, to look like streetwalkers.
3. “What do you want to eat?”
He’s only asking you as a courtesy. Realistically, it would be easier for him to just make an executive decision, as experience has taught him that asking a woman where she wants to eat is a precursor to a complete emotional and mental breakdown.
4. “That’s crazy!”
In relationships, men eventually come to accept that they will never win arguments. They can either be happy or be wrong. On the flip side, a woman will realize that her boyfriend has perfected the art of selective hearing.
So, if he tells you, “That’s crazy!” he really just means, “I wasn’t listening to anything you said, but I don’t want you to repeat it.” Plain and simple.
5. “Babe. Babe. Babe… BABE!”
He just wants you to stop doing everything and focus all of your attention on him. He probably has something incredible and of life-altering importance to show you… like the fact that he put down the toilet seat. Or, that he can balance a ball on his head, back, foot, finger, etc.
6. “I don’t look at other girls.”
Did he have his eyes surgically removed? Is he legally blind? If he’s capable of physically perceiving your displeasure when you caught him looking at another girl, then he looks at other girls. That’s human nature. Whether he looks them up and down like pieces of meat is entirely dependent on how much of a douchebag he is.
7. “I can’t! The game’s on!”
Whether he’s a basketball, soccer, football, baseball or hockey fan, your boyfriend is out of commission when the game is on. His attention span ranges from the beer in his hand to the TV screen and back, which means your questions about what “offsides” or “a technical foul” means will fall on deaf ears.
Do him and yourself a favor and limit the conversation to asking him if he wants another beer.
8. “It’s just going to be a guys’ night.”
“Guys’ night” means a night with his boys, potentially other girls and really just about anybody but you. Of course, he enjoys spending time with you, but he needs his own space, too.
9. “I don’t mind.”
He genuinely doesn’t mind. He thoroughly enjoys holding your sh*t, doing your chores, paying for your things, but as his girlfriend, you should really be more than a panhandler who offers occasional sex. Offer to pay every now and then, too, or show your appreciation in some other way.
10. “I don’t think you’re crazy.”
So, he thinks you have your share of moments as a basketcase, but he also thinks you’re beautiful, you smell great and you’re occasionally funny — that all trumps the fact that you’re not like other girls. You’re on your own level of psycho and he loves you.
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