Enjoy Being Single: A Guide On How Not To Cheat…

People can be tempted, our resolve can be tested. Drunken night on the town, your boyfriend/girlfriend is living far away or maybe didn’t want to go out tonight. You are drunk and horny and that cute guy/girl is giving you a sneaky look over the bar. What are you to do? Give into your carnal desires or rise above? If you’re in a loving and committed relationship this article is not for you. Only those who are unhappy cheat. An easy way to avoid cheating is by not being in a relationships, why not give that a go before breaking someone’s heart. Luckily, I have never been cheated on; but having been the wet shoulder that some loving friends have cried on I feel like I have the right to educate you bastards that do that to them. Just in case you need it, here’s some tips on how to avoid cheating.

1. Don’t go over to them.

Like a stranger offering sweets from a van, do not fall for it. Do you not have any integrity? Don’t invite that desire in. This other person doesn’t know that you’re spoken for so why wouldn’t they enjoy you coming over and chatting them up if they’re interested. You’re using them, which isn’t fair to your partner or this unsuspecting third party. Instead of chatting them up or letting them chat you up go grab a friend and talk to them. If you initiate it, there’s nothing you could say to clear yourself tomorrow.

2. Don’t offer them a drink.

Are they dying from dehydration? No? Then why bother, save your money. If you are attracted to them and want to weasle them into a conversation, just don’t. How needy are you? Don’t accept a drink from them either if you know that you might want to be with them. Its mean to get someone to buy you a drink and then run away. You’re giving young people a bad name. If you want to save money, do rounds with your friends, don’t use people and give them the wrong impression on purpose. Don’t try and subdue your guilt through drunkenness. Nothing will be able to bury that tomorrow during your epic hangover.

3. Don’t kiss them.

Or let them kiss you. Do they need mouth to mouth? If they did, do you even know how to administer that in your drunken state? No, okay then back the fuck off. Instead of kissing them, buy yourself a shot of tequila and have a laugh with your friends, that’s the reason why you went out tonight right? If the reason you went out was to find someone to cheat with, then you really wouldn’t be reading this and also you’re a skank. Please work on that, its not an attractive feature. It might be now at drunken college parties but holy crap you’re going to be lonely when you’re older.

4. Don’t use drink as an excuse.

We are not idiots, we all know its a ruse. Being drunk doesn’t give you permission to cheat. It does not excuse you. It does not count. Don’t be a colossal dick. Its not like when you’re drinking you get a personality transplant, certain aspects of your personality are heightened because your inhibitions are lowered. You have have confidence and apparently some form of god complex that makes you feel like you can hurt people who care about you.

5. Do not invite them back to your place or go to their place.

Do they have interesting decor that you’d like to examine? The newest game console or an actual espresso machine? Have you any other reason to go over there besides trying to have sex? Why are you even encouraging this behaviour? You know what’s going to happen. You know this could ruin your relationship. If you’re so eager to get to a bed call a taxi and go home and sleep off your drunk horniness.

6. Do not let them feel you up.

It will feel nice for a while but that guilt will get you. No matter how drunk you claim to be, you know what you’re doing. How about instead of needing your insecurity sated by feeling the warmth of another human being. Throw on an extra blanket, make yourself a hot water bottle and stop being so needy and pathetic.

7. Keep your pants on.

We all know that once you come home from a long day at work or college that taking your pants off can be unbelievably great. But its pretty easy to keep them on. It requires literally no effort. If you don’t keep them on in the presence of this person you’ve invited back to your place, you’ve ruined everything with your significant other. If you wanted to have sex so much why not just call them up? They agreed to be your one and only, why are you being so selfish? One person isn’t good enough for you? How desperate are you exactly?

8. Do yourself a favour…

You’re not fooling anybody, I doubt your even fooling yourself. No amount of ‘I couldn’t help myself’, ‘It didn’t mean anything’ will make it better. Break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend before you cheat on them. Don’t agree to go out with them in the first place if you don’t want to be monogamous. Instead of hurting them by cheating, lying and being a dick, you’ll hurt them by being honest. This way at least you’re not going to be emotionally scaring them for life or being branded a dick by all your circle of friends. It is easy enough not to cheat. And if your single its not even possible and now you can enjoy being single! You won’t be doing anything wrong, so no one would be mad at you. The preemptive break up: if you’re not happy now in this relationship, you won’t be happy in the future. There is no point sticking it out. Clearly you don’t need to worry about being alone if you’re able to pick people up on nights out.