Are you deep in the depths of utter sexual frustration? Are you suffering from hand friction burn and deep, dark sadness at the total and utter lack of sex that is currently present in your life? There are of course a whole range of reasons as to why this may be the case for you, but today, Ladies and Gentlemen, we’re going to focus in on why you’re not getting any when you actually have a significant other in your life. Whether that’s taking the form of a long-term relationship gone dry (literally) or a new one where you have yet to do the deed. Here are some possible reasons she’s not putting out for you;
1) She Hates Your Guts (And Other Parts Too)
This is more of a relationship problem rather than a newly dating kind of one. Lucky you, you seem to have found yourself a real charmer. If she’s using the words ‘fine, ok, kk, whatever, yes’ accompanied by shrugging, sighing and tutting, as well as never putting out, then you may as well roll out the red carpet for her departure. You’ve totally fucked up, as in, beyond belief. However mad a girl may be, she still needs regular sex, so if she’s denying you this then you must have royally messed it all up. The real question here is, what did you do?
2) She’s Cheating On You
A combination of already being sexually satisfied, guilty, not attracted to you any more and just another sprinkling of guilt, means that you’re getting no sex whatsoever for the foreseeable future. If you’ve done nothing wrong, have been nothing but loyal and faithful and a loving, caring boyfriend and she has, for reasons you can’t quite understand, stopped wanting your D, then there’s only one possible explanation. She’s putting out for someone else. Sorry…
3) She Has An STD
Why isn’t she putting out? I’ll damn well tell you why. She’s waiting for that case of crabs to clear up and leave her lady parts. Yes, I understand that you’re absolutely gagging for a good romp, but unless you fancy coming down with a serious case of the clap, then hold your little man captive and have some patience. Those antibiotics will kick in before you know it. Oh and on one last note. If you’re in a relationship and she ‘magically’ becomes STD infested, then see the point above. Maybe see a doctor too.
4) She’s A Virgin
Yes, that’s right, she still has her V plates firmly attached and isn’t yet ready to shed them. Please remember that she isn’t your ‘lad’ friend and you should therefore treat this subject with extreme caution and sensitivity. The nicer and more understanding you are, the better the chance of you getting your bit. Coax her, don’t rush her. Just do not be the dick that you usually are. No offense.
5) She’s Bored Of Sex (With You)
What the fuck are you, eighty? Scrap that, Hugh Hefner is eighty eight and still going like a rabbit (see what I did there?). What’s your excuse? Sex isn’t something that you should fall into a routine of unless you’re a commuting, long distance married couple in your late fifties with four kids and a mortgage. Is this you? If it is, then it’s a little creepy that you’re here. If not, then it’s time you mix things up, before you commit fully to a life of solidarity and solo hand loving. Follow that infamous motto and learn something new every day.
6) She Has An Irrational Fear Of Getting Knocked Up
Who doesn’t? Unless you’re Eddie Murphy (eight and counting) or any Irish family from forty years ago, then reproducing isn’t something we think about in our younger, stupider days. We’ve all been educated on the intricate importance of contraception, but that doesn’t lessen the deep, buried fear that we all harbour. What if one of those little divers just front strokes his way in there and ruins our life forever? The only true and one hundred percent effective method of avoiding pregnancy, is by not having sex. Unlucky lad.
7) She Wants Her Next Sexual Conquest To Be ‘The One’
Not a virgin, but perhaps a born again one on some level. This one probably spent the past five years riding her way across the world like a proud jockey until she landed in Thailand and decided that a life of crystal gazing and true love was the new one for her. She laps up male attention like a sunburned kid with a 99, but you’ll soon learn that taking a ride in this girls bed comes at the cost of marriage, babies and crystals in places there should never be crystals. Is it really worth it?
No comments:
Post a Comment