Anyone who has ever enjoyed the good fortune of having a girlfriend but in my case a wife will undoubtedly know the horror of waiting for them to get ready. She might be going out for drinks or just to the cinema with you. “But we’ll be in the dark for 2 hours” you cry, “the focus of the evening will be the film on the giant screen!” Forget about it, pal. Valiant as your efforts are, they’re in vain. If she’s leaving the house, a minimum of one hour’s prep is required. If you’re really unlucky, she won’t have showered. She’ll need to shower, moisturise, blow-dry, make-up, pick her outfit etc, etc. All of this comes with a plethora of unimaginable and incomprehensible frivolities in between. Fucking nightmare.
But this preparation ritual affords you some time, does it not? Time in which you absolutely won’t be disturbed unless something is missing from her makeup paraphernalia. “What can I do to pass this seemingly unending time?” I hear you ask. Here are a few things to keep you occupied…
1. Start and Finish A Game of Monopoly
It came to light that we’ve all been playing Monopoly wrong our whole lives. Games should only last for around 60-90 minutes. So you could probably squeeze in about 60 games before she’s ready. Or one standard Monopoly game.
2. Figure Out What Happened In ‘Lost’
Take one for the team. We all wasted six years watching that pile of crabshit. God has seen fit to clear your schedule, so sit the fuck down and tell me why Hurley was still a fat sack of shit at the end of season 6.
3. Watch The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy
Start by waiting for both The Hobbit prequels to come out. Watch them. Then watch the three LOTR movies (extended versions of course). When all of that is done, make your way home at a leisurely pace and wait for your girlfriend to come downstairs.
4. Write a Novel
You always say you never had the time to start your novel. Well, you’ve got all the fucking time in the world now. Start (and finish) the thing and you should have a couple of minutes spare before she’s good to go!
5. Disassemble and Reassemble an Engine
Actually this one’s a bit ridiculous. You’d be finished too early and may need something else to pass the time. Maybe take up a new hobby. Stamp collecting? Nah, you’d finish that too.
6. Graduate From College
Finish and submit your thesis, get your gown, get the fam together, collect your diploma and have a celebratory dinner. You should make it back in time for the mascara/ eyeliner stage. Failing that, you may catch the end of tantrum #3
7. Put An End To Apartheid And Inequality
Fair play to you, man. When life hands you an endless wait, you make the world a better place. Take inspiration from Mandela and the boys. Remember, behind every powerful man is a woman making him wait for her to get ready.
8. Find The True Meaning Of Life
Never mind Nietzsche and those fellas. They hadn’t a clue. They were stifled by the distractions of their time. Thankfully, your girlfriend takes a literal age to get ready. Use your time wisely and let me copy your answer if you get it yeah?
9. Conquer Your Fear of Flying
It’s been holding you back all these years. Get some counselling and therapy and then hop on the first available flight. Doesn’t matter where you go, you’ll be back in time.
10. Plant, Grow and Prune A Bonsai Tree
Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid knew about patience. He tried to catch flies with chopsticks and he had a fetish for watching vulnerable Italian-American adolescents wash inanimate objects. But I digress. Just grow a fucking tree.
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