A is for anal. Give it up, kid. She probably isn’t going to be into it. If she is, put a ring on it or run away, depending on how you feel about butt stuff.
B is for blow jobs. Blow jobs are fucking awesome, but any wet-behind-the-ears guy could tell you that. Girls fall into one of three camps on them: never, with some convincing, or they love them. Find one of the last category and you find nirvana.
C is for condoms. Sadly, they’re probably mandatory unless you want to spend enough time down at the school health clinic to get an honorary medical degree in sexually transmitted infections.
D is for drunk. Drunk sex is a lot like a train wreck: fast, dangerous, and likely to cause onlookers to flee in shock. Try to keep it classy enough so that a video of you going down on your lady friend doesn’t show up on YouTube.
E is for experience. It doesn’t matter freshman year, but by senior year you shouldn’t need a road map, GPS, compass, and spotter to figure out what you’re doing. It’s a biological imperative, not rocket science.
F is for fingering. This is your most basic technique other than going balls deep, which you shouldn’t do right off the bat, because disappointing sex doesn’t tend to bring a girl back for a second round.
G is for G-spot. Find it. It’s not hard.
H is for handjobs. These are the sexual participation trophy. No one likes them, you feel bad for people who get them and honestly, they just reward mediocre performance.
I is for improvise. If she asks you whether you’d like to come back to her house for drunk food, your answer is always yes, even if you have an 8 a.m. lecture.
J is for juice. Ew, no, not what you were originally thinking, you sick son of a bitch. I mean hydrate. If you aren’t hydrated, you’ll be done so fast that “confusion” will be the emotional buzzword of the night.
K is for kissing: first base, foreplay, and so on. If you didn’t figure this out in school, there’s still (very little) hope for you yet.
L is for looking good. If you leave your place trying to meet new people and you look like a homeless man, chances are your success rate will be lower than the Redskins’ chances of winning a Super Bowl in my lifetime.
M is for mustache rides. Advanced technique. Very dangerous. Requires a mustache. Don’t try this one without proper preparation and an ambulance team on standby.
N is for Netflix. It will be a better wingman than most of your mates ever could be at 3 a.m., and it has the bonus of not trying to bone the same girl as you.
O is for orgy. These don’t actually happen in college, unless you join one of those weird groups on campus like the marching band. I’m told that’s a thing with them. Fucking band geeks, man.
P is for porn. Don’t watch it with your roommate, around your lady friends, or in the library, please.
Q is for questionable hookups. Just know one night, when the whiskey flows freely and the world becomes hazy, you might bone a hard two. Be mentally prepared for the fallout.
R is for ride. Catch a ride home from a party in a taxi. For some reason, something about having another person drive you both home seems to cause girls to spontaneously attack your face with their mouths.
S is for sex. I don’t have to explain this one, I hope.
T is for time. Keep it reasonable, champ. Less than five minutes is probably a bad thing, but a few hours might make her turn on the TV out of boredom.
U is for unprotected. Going raw dog, while obviously the preferred form of boning, is probably a bad idea. It’s like Russian roulette with your dick. Except instead of dying, you get the clap.
V is for vagina. Rumour has it, they have magical powers.
W is for wait. Timing is everything. If she gives you her number, go by the 18-hour rule at least before starting a long conversation. You don’t want to come on too strong.
X is for eXcellent sex playlists. Yes, I broke the alphabet. Sue me. Having a good playlist is key to making sure the mood is set and the neighbours don’t beat down your door because of the noise.
Y is for “yes.” All joking aside, make sure you get consent.
Z is for zygote. AKA a baby. Don’t make any of these in college, because it kind of ruins all your plans.
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